


Where did it all begin

by VIRGIL_YES



Category: Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Writing, Blood and Gore, Bulimia, Could Be Canon, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Are Twins, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders has Intrusive Thoughts, Eating Disorders, Good Parent Deceit | Janus Sanders, Graphic Description, Heavy Angst, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Hurt Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Hurt Deceit | Janus Sanders, Hurt Logic | Logan Sanders, Hurt Morality | Patton Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Liam and fiona is also in this, M/M, No Happy Ending Fest, Panic Attacks, Parent Deceit | Janus Sanders, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sad Ending, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Thomas Sanders References, deprecation pro-ED thoughts probably fatphobia self-hatred anxiety, eating disorders stuff in general. purging, fatphobia, i dont know what im doing, i have no idea what im doing, missy is in this, momciet, oopsie poopsie i dont know who i am anymore, panic attacks. maybe self-harm ill add more if I need to, remus is a warning, send help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:21:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25822072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VIRGIL_YES/pseuds/VIRGIL_YES
Summary: Every side has ha secret. Will they tell the others before its too late? Or will someone be able to save them?Updating schedule every other MondayDon't read if anything will trigger you I don't want to be responsible for a panic attack or something else read  with cautionBasically every TW  everTW: eating disorders stuff in general. purging, deprecation pro-ED thoughts probably fatphobia self-hatred anxiety, panic attacks. maybe self-harm ill add more if I need to
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> TW mentioning of eating disorder, calorie counting, purging, self-harm and self-hatred every TW you can think of. Tell me if should add more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW Purging eating disorders  
> I've gotten a full time job so my updating schedule will be longer in between chapters

Virgil didn't know how it started. Really, he didn't. He just knew that he hated it but couldn't seem to stop it. This was partly due to, nervous as he was to admit it, unwillingness and fear. He knew it was why he always had his hoodie, it was baggy and concealed him well. If the others knew, surely he'd be made to recover, and he knew that wasn't worth it. Well yes, it was worth it, but no actually it wasn't. It couldn't be worth it, or this would all be in vain, in fact, this was somewhat all in vain anyway, oh god why is he like this, and why can't he stop, and can he just stop needing food so this isn't a concern? How did this even begin?

Patton, though not in denial, simply hadn't realized anything was up at first. Hadn't realized anything was up with his eating, he was cooking for his family pretty often, making sure they were all eating, he'd probably eaten too, right? Sure, all he could remember was the two cookies he'd had what, 5, 12, 19, 28? hours ago, but he probably ate, right? Nothing was up, most likely. Yeah, he was starting to seem scrawny, but, that probably didn't mean anything.

He really noticed something was up that time he found himself on his knees after a meal, having eaten more than he would have "normally", now kneeling in the bathroom with his fingers down his throat, tears in his eyes, and a realization. This wasn't normal to make yourself vomit, something was probably up. He caught on to his problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> So what do you think Its probably shitty as fuck but idc at this moment. and if anyone of you are dealing with anything in this you are free to private message me with amything you want. I hope you stay safe. 
> 
> My fucking dumbass deleted this chapter fucking hell


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW calorie mention, calorie counting, eating disorder thoughts, purging, self -deprecating thoughts I think that's it this will be one hell of a ride enjoy :) 
> 
> Song Freaks by Jordan Clarke

**Fucking mess Pov**

When Virgil woke up that morning, he had the feeling it was going to be a really, really bad day. For starters, though he did say 'woke up that morning' in reality is was currently three in the morning. Which was still morning, he guessed, but not the kind of morning he wanted. He guessed he could try and get up for the morning and begin this horrible day, he grabs his regular everyday outfit and begins walking to the bathroom and turns on the shower. he throws his clothes on the floor and begins to undress avoiding the mirror at all costs.

He then goes into the shower and sets the temperature on the coldest setting because it's supposed to burn more calories and hopefully it was true. when he begins cleaning himself and starts singing _"hehe singing in the shower."_

_I've been locked in the locker  
I was picked last in soccer  
And they say that it's all fun  
But their fun, it ain't fun, man, I'm done  
And I know we're all different  
Our beliefs and religions  
But I don't see the difference  
In me, you  
Your, tu  
Or moi, vous  
So if you've had enough, then come_ _to the land of the lost and lonely  
Don't be afraid, we'll be one big family  
Of freaks like you and me  
I know a place where the bruised and broken  
Live like the kings and the queens of tragedy  
Just freaks like you and me  
We are the freaks_ _I've been kicked down in the dirt  
I pretend that it doesn't hurt  
And I know that they're just words  
But sticks, stones, they break bones  
But just know  
We could all be disciples  
And we'll write our own Bible  
We'll put freaks in the title  
It's me, you  
Your, tu  
And moi, vous  
So if you've had enough, then come_ _to the land of the lost and lonely  
Don't be afraid, we'll be one big family  
Of freaks like you and me  
I know a place where the bruised and broken  
Live like the kings and the queens of tragedy  
Just freaks like you and me  
We are the freaks come_ _to the land of the lost and lonely  
Don't be afraid, we'll be one big family  
Of freaks like you and me  
I know a place where the bruised and broken  
Live like the kings and the queens of tragedy  
Just freaks like you and me_ _Come home  
Where you can be you, I can be me  
We'll never leave, 'cause we are the freaks  
Come home  
Where you can be you, I can be me  
We'll never leave, 'cause we are the freaks  
We are the freaks_

Virgil stepped out of the shower and was right about to get dressed " _Maybe you should check how fat you've gotten_ " Virgil got the scale from under the cabinet in the secret compartment so the other sides wouldn't find it and ask about it. Virgil was just about to get on the scale when he heard a knock and a voice "Hey! kiddo, breakfast is ready" "I'll be out in a second," he said and got onto the scale and almost screamed at the number 130lbs(59kg). he has to fix this, he cant skip breakfast Patton would be devastated. " _How about you throw it up afterwards?_ _" "NO, I can't do that it's bad for you."_ I began to go downstairs and see all the food that was so high in calories eggs:155 toast:313." _"Maybe if I only eat the toast?"_

I pulled a few slices of bread from the loaf and placed them into the toaster, but didn't actually push them down in order for them to start cooking. He would only do so when the eggs were cooked a bit more then they were so that the toast wouldn't finish way before the eggs and get cold.

Virgil's stomach clenched a bit at the thought of eating, but he knew he had to eat at least a few bites in order to keep the others off his back. He knew Roman wouldn't care, but Patton would throw a fit, and Logan would at least make a few 'that's not very healthy' comments. Soon enough, they were all sitting around the table with plate fulls of food in front of them. Roman seemed a lot more awake as he shoved the food down his throat. "This is marvellous," he chimed brightly to Patton and Logan. Logan smirked a bit, while Patton just squealed and clapped his hands before they both started eating as well.

I stared down at my plate for a moment. He knew what others would see. Food. It would smell good. It would taste good. But all Virgil would see was yellow, lumpy, mucus that would slide into him, make him feel sick, and make him look fat. He picked some of the mucus upon his fork, put it in his mouth, and forced himself to swallow, and then tried his hardest not to gag. _That was... disgusting._ "Do you like it?" Patton asked, and Virgil looked up right into a pair of puppy dog eyes.

"Yeah," he said after a pause, sighing internally. He forced another bite down his throat. It was still disgusting. Logan was frowning at him, and Virgil knew he suspected he was lying but didn't say anything.

Virgil forced a few more bites down, but he knew to eat it all too minimize suspicion. _"You could throw it up_ " _"maybe it won't be so bad."_ He tried his best to eat all of his breakfast feeling fatter with each bite he took. "Thanks for breakfast Patton," he said while going to wash off his dishes. "bye Im going to my room now" he arrived in his room feeling the nasty food inside his stomach and went into his bathroom.

He covered his mouth, pondering whether or not he should force himself to throw up, in order to get the nasty food out of his body. It felt so heavy inside of him, and he knew it was already making him fat, and infecting the rest of his body. It didn't take long to make his decision. He started to get on his knees and began to open the lid kneeling in front of the toilet, and sticking his fingers down his throat. Instantly he gagged, hard, and pulled his fingers away just in time to expel his stomach contents into the toilet. There. Better. After wiping his mouth off, he tossed the toilet paper away, and flushed the toilet, rinsing his mouth with water before heading back to his room and crawling onto his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now we only got Roman, Remus, Logan and Janus. And their stories  
> hoped you enjoyed this chapter.  
> even with my shitty writing


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Eating disorder thoughts mentioning of starving, purging over-exercising calorie mentioning my bad grammar and shitty writing this whole book is going to be an angst ride buckle up

**Fucking mess of POV Help me**

Roman had always just known. He had from the start, very intentional and knowing about what he was doing. He thought (and thinks, don't think he's recovered) it would make him skinny, thin, better, more likeable, prettier, the best side. His popularity was lessening, and if he was more attractive then surely that would help? Right? People like a pretty body, right?

And people say thin is pretty, right? And starving makes thin, right? So if he starves, he'll eventually be pretty, right? He was desperate for it to work, and it did. To the point that he wouldn't even consider recovery, to the point that he'd fake recovering if he had to, he'd, he'd figure out special effects makeup to make him look "normal" to the others, he'd, he would keep going, whatever it took.

He needed to look skinny for people to think he's attractive he can't have it that people will think he's ugly and fat. What prince is ugly and fat no one so thin is equally pretty and that way all his friend would think he's an amazing beautiful prince like he is. He hears knocking on the door and Patton saying breakfast is ready. "I'll be out in a second" I answer and start picking out my outfit which is my regular outfit but a more relaxed style in the mind palace.

I go to the table and see Virgil grab the loaf of bread and put in the toaster but not pressing down quite yet too so it doesn't cold before the eggs. He looks tired and I know he isn't a morning person and barely gets any sleep. "Good morning my beautiful subjects" **(Is that ok to say?)** I say and I get a "Good morning kiddo" from Patton and a "Salutations, and Good morning" from Logan. Virgil barely says anything other than a grumbling sound. I told you he wasn't a morning person. **(Fuck the fourth wall)**

I sat next to the grumpy emo nightmare as Patton laid the breakfast before us and I started eating directly and started talking to Patton and Logan. I saw Virgil in the corner of my eyes angrily stare at his food as it had insulted him I wouldn't be surprised if he actually flipped the food off. But started eating it. "Did you like it?" I hear Patton say "It was marvellous!" I hear Virgil say a quiet yeah. 

Once Im done scarfing down breakfast and go to put away the dishes and excuse me from the table and go straight **(DON'T)** to my room and close the door and lock it for certain safety measures. I feel the food in my stomach feel extremely heavy and disgusting just sitting there. _"Why did I scarf down breakfast." "I'm an idiot"_ You know what to do with this" "Yes" I go into the bathroom that is pretty big but small at the same time.

I start the shower and wait for a little so the others will think I'm just showering " _they don't need to know."_ I go to the toilet and start lifting the lid and showed my fingers down my throat a long way back to find my gag reflex and as I push a little harder I barely get my finger out before I expel the breakfast until its only bile left. I go and flush the toilet and grab a cup with water and start to rinse my mouth out and go to the shower and turn it off.

I opened the door and went to my bed watching and replying to some comments on Thomas Youtube channel and deleted the hate ones. After doing that for 2 hours I feel like annoying the emo nightmare cause Im bored and have nothing else to do until after lunch I will not be eating. it was enough for me for failing breakfast.

I go to the common room first and see him laying there probably looking through Tumblr and listening to MCR at the highest volume possible. "Hey! Hot topic What are you doing?" I ask "Aw, you think im hot" "You're not going to let that one go are you?" "Nope," he says popping the p. "But what do you want Ramon?" he asked "First of all my name isn't Ramon its Beautiful prince Roman _"ugly prince Roman_ "second do you want to watch a Disney movie?" i ask "sure i have nothing better to do but i get to choose the movie," he says "what movie is it then?" "black cauldron obviously" he states.

**Time skip because of all the cults im in**

After 5 or 6 movies we decided to go back to our rooms. and when I got back to my room and lock the door for safety measures I also haven't worked out yet so changed into my workout clothes and went into my secret hiding place where all the workout equipment was. the room was like a private gym that only I had access to I've hidden the door with invisible powder I got from the imagination. I started to put in my headphones and choose a song that i could listen to on repeat while I work out the music started after i got on the treadmill.

_I told another lie today_  
 _And I got through this day_  
 _No one saw through my games_  
 _I know the right words to say_  
 _Like "I don't feel well"_  
 _"I ate before I came"_ _Then someone tells me how good I look_  
 _and for a moment_  
 _For a moment I am happy_  
 _But when I'm alone_  
 _No one hears me cry I_ _need you to know_  
 _I'm not through the night_  
 _Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light_  
 _I need you to know_  
 _That we'll be okay_  
 _Together we can make it through another day I_ _don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful_  
 _The day I chose not to eat_  
 _What I do know is how I changed my life forever_  
 _I know I should know better_  
 _There are days when I'm okay_  
 _And for a moment_  
 _For a moment I find hope_  
 _But there are days when I'm not okay_  
 _And I need your help_  
 _So I'm letting go_ _I need you to know_  
 _I'm not through the night_  
 _Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light_  
 _I need you to know_  
 _That we'll be okay_  
 _Together we can make it through another day you_ _should know you're not on your own_  
 _These secrets are walls that keep us alone_  
 _I don't know when but what I know now_  
 _Together we'll make it through somehow_  
 _Together we'll make it through somehow I_ _need you to know_  
 _I'm not through the night_  
 _Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light_  
 _I need you to know_  
 _That we'll be okay_  
 _Together we can make it through another day_

I was exhausted after that 4 h work out "yes I know its bad to work out that much but I had to compensate for the calories I ate and get myself even prettier" I went out from the gym and started walking to the shower and set the temperature on the coldest setting to get the extra calories away. afterwards, I changed into my cosy pyjamas and went to bed browsing Instagram before charging my phone and going to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> So that was roman we still have Logan, Remus and Janus which will be a little more difficult for me to write but I hope you liked this chapter 1262 words im impressed by my horrible writing.
> 
> What do you want for ships I myself is a multi shipper NO REMROM They’re brothers
> 
> Also I've gotten a job so updates might not be as frequent as I want to


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Intrusive thoughts Remus, self-deprecating thoughts suicidal thoughts mentioning about trying to attempt suicide I write graphic descriptions of gore because why not. self-harm purging binge-eating extremely description of Purging. I think that's it ill add more if needed.
> 
> song: Hate Myself by NF
> 
> This is going to a very intense chapter read at your own risk

**Nobody's Pov**

Remus could, would, and will swear up and down the wall that he didn't have a problem, or that he had eaten normally, or then nothing was up, or that he was perfectly fine with himself, or that his pet bat was very aggressive. Exactly none of these things were true, his bat was in fact very friendly. More importantly, he most certainly had a problem. 

At least, anyone with common sense would say so. He wouldn't eat for days, and his lack of nourishment was no accident. He knew, if he put food in his mouth he'd swallow it, and that would lead to digestion, and that would lead to gaining weight, and he couldn't have that. The other sides already weren't very accepting of him, if he was thinner that might help? Maybe? He knew it wouldn't, but also was desperate to try, desperate to think he had a chance of acceptance.

**Remus Pov**

Being intrusive thoughts Is hard sometimes because I have them heightened like Virgil with his anxiety is heightened 10 x worse than Thomas's and its same with my intrusive thoughts it's hard to be me but the others don't care. I get shouted at the second I enter the room mostly by Roman and Virgil. he should know words hurt because he is doing the exact thing Roman was doing to him but I guess he forgot about that. at least I have Janus at the moment but he will leave me soon too. I know it.

honestly, I don't care anymore it's not like they would care if I was gone they made sure of it even though Patton tries to bee nice I know it's just out of pity. "What if you cut off all the fat from you're body imagen the oozing blood coming from it" and there comes a thought that I've had every day since I started this and is even considering it I'm not needed but only because roman and I split when Thomas considered how his creativity would be pure and amazing I was the dark and sinister one. it hurts but why care about the messed-up duke that everyone hates.

"How about you eat that delicious cakes and cookies and then try do rip your oesophagus out and try to reach the food down in your stomach ?" I hate myself you would probably wonder how can the duke hate himself he's so messed up and disgusting and jokes about blood and gore. well, you see I interpret intrusive thoughts as you know and I get yelled at me from everyone that they hate me even if not all of them say it. nobody defends me. like who would like the "evil twin", the "villain". I stand in my room and start singing we all have a pretty good singing voice because of Thomas as he is an amazing singer.

_I don't see you like I should  
You look so misunderstood  
And I wish I could help  
But it's hard when I hate myself  
Pray to God with my arms open  
If this is it, then I feel hopeless  
And I wish I could help  
But it's hard when I hate myself_

_Yeah, late nights are the worst for me  
They bring out the worst in me  
Mind runnin', got me feelin' like it hurts to think  
If this is all that I wanted, I don't want it, gotta be more for me  
All the core beliefs  
And every mornin' I wake up and feel like I ain't my worth 'cause I'm at war with peace  
Or go to Hell, welcome to the corpse of me  
Look at the body like you ain't nothin' but poor and weak  
It's kinda weird  
Lately, I been feelin' like the only way for me to get away is if I pour the drink  
That's more deceit, more defeat  
Is this really what I'm born to be?  
That's what you get for thinkin' you're unique  
So poor, but I'm so wealthy  
Need help, but you can't help me  
What else can the world sell me?  
Tell me lies, I still buy 'em like they goin' outta stock  
But it's not healthy_

_I don't see you like I should  
You look so misunderstood  
And I wish I could help  
But it's hard when I hate myself  
Pray to God with my arms open  
If this is it, then I feel hopeless  
And I wish I could help  
But it's hard when I hate myself_

_Yeah, late nights get the best of me  
They know how to get to me  
Suicide thoughts come and go like a guest to me  
But I don't wanna die, just wanna get relief  
So don't talk to me like you think I'm so successful  
What is success when hope has left you  
I am not a spokesman, I'm a broken record  
Sick of doin' interviews 'cause I hate myself, agh!  
Come across like it's so easy  
But I feel like you don't need me  
When I feel like you don't need me  
Then I feel like you don't see me  
And my life has no meaning, drain me  
Hands out, tryna ask for love  
But when I get it, I just pass it up  
Throw it away and think about it later  
Diggin' through the trash for drugs  
Wish I could give you what you needed, but I can't  
I'm scared because_

_I don't see you like I should  
You look so misunderstood  
And I wish I could help  
But it's hard when I hate myself  
Pray to God with my arms open  
If this is it, then I feel hopeless  
And I wish I could help  
But it's hard when I hate myself_

_I walk through the ashes of my passions  
Reminiscin' with the baggage in my casket  
Get lost in the questions I can't answer  
Can't stand who I am, but it don't matter  
We scream to be free, but I stay captured  
Knee-deep in defeat of my own actions  
Feel weak, but the peace that I keep lackin'  
Keeps speakin' to me, but I can't have it  
But I can't have it  
Keeps speakin' to me, but I can't have it  
But I can't have it  
Keeps speakin' to me, but I can't have it_

_I don't see you like I should  
You look so misunderstood  
And I wish I could help  
But it's hard when I hate myself  
Pray to God with my arms open  
If this is it, then I feel hopeless  
And I wish I could help  
But it's hard when I hate myself  
Hate myself  
But it's hard when I hate myself  
Hate myself  
But it's hard when I hate myself_

_When I hate myself_  
It's kinda hard when I hate myself  
I hate myself

_It's hard when I hate myself_

Im crying after the song someone would've heard but as always no one cares, I get up and go to the kitchen and begin taking out everything we have cookies, ice cream, doughnuts and cinnamon rolls and eat it all while ugly crying. I've lost everything that held me together it went downhill when Janus started hanging out with the other sides more and more. spending weeks at their place in the mind. he forgot about me and will probably move out during this week leaving me behind.

Lost in my thoughts I saw I ate everything and feel the voices getting stronger about the food and me. "Look at you couldn't even last 1 day without binging what a failure! _"Yeah, I'm an ugly, fat, disgusting, horrible, failure "_ maybe I should do what I always do after a binge it's not the healthiest way but Im already harming myself but do I care nope, no one cares.

I start walking to our little bathroom because we- Im a dark side and shouldn't have the luxury as the other king size bathroom especially Romans bathroom. I've gotten to the bathroom and don't care to turn the shower on not as anyone would be catching him. so I begin to kneeling in front of the toilet and lift the lid grabbing a toothbrush getting further into my throat. as I hit my gag reflex a few times I expel my stomach contents. 

Doing it over and over chugging water in between the purging session. tears are streaming down my eyes and my nose is running with snot and throw up that managed to go through my nose. " _Maybe I should try to rupture my oesophagus to get out of this horrible existence"_

as I continue to purge and get everything out until only I taste is bile and a metallic taste in my mouth. I get up from the floor feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded and flush the toilet. As I go by the mirror I see blood trickling down my cheeks " _So that was the metallic taste_ " maybe if I continue this tomorrow I might be able to rupture my oesophagus.

 _"No one would care at all,"_ I say before passing out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how are you feeling after this may be a little intense in the end but my inner Remus came out and helped me lol. I accept constructive criticism and comment if you find any triggers I've missed but I think I got all of them. Stay safe Peeps 1518 words im impressed. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-hatred repressing feelings, self-harm self-deprecating thoughts
> 
> Song worthless bt eli.

**Nobody's Pov**

It was a habit for Logan to ‘punish’ himself for making a mistake. The occasional hit on the head, a pinch to the arm, a flick to his temple, a punch at a wall, pulling his hair, biting himself. Just small acts that wouldn’t harm him badly, but would make him feel discomfort.

When Logan realised he’d get a comforting feeling after he’d gone to his room and went into the bathroom dismantling a razor he had there, wondering if this really was a good idea during this process he had dropped the razor. 

Reaching down, Logan picked up the razor slowly started cutting a small line on his leg drawing blood feeling a sense of calm and started adding more cuts. Then he repeated the action, then again, making a deeper cut each time until he had 5 or 6 neat cuts along his legs. the safest place for him because of his clothing in the videos and so the others wouldn't get suspicious 

**Logan Pov**

They had just finished a video and as always I got ignored and over talked by the other sides. I always pretend it doesn't get to me because logic isn't supposed to have feelings but words hurt but the robot wouldn't know anything about feelings. After that latest video, I pretended to not let the others know how bad it hurt to be called an idiot, robot, calculator watch, Erlenmeyer trash. 

And that leads me to here in my bathroom at 3 am sitting on the floor with my razor in one hand and my legs with maybe 5 or 6 cuts on each leg and still going while listening to music I've made the room soundproof so nobody can hear me cry myself to sleep and in my bathroom. I snap my fingers and the music begins and I start humming along.

_I'm always so alone_   
_Even when surrounded_   
_By people that I know_   
_I'm always so astounded_   
_By my ability to ruin everything_   
_Losing friends and starting fires_   
_Everyone thinks I'm a liarI always stay at home_   
_'Cause I'm not good in public_   
_I sit here on my phone_   
_I'm always disappointed_   
_I watch them live their lives_   
_I wish that I were happy_   
_Victim of my generation_   
_Time machines cannot erase itWho am I supposed to be?_   
_When will I be complete?_   
_When will they be proud of me?_   
_It's getting harder to seeSlit my wrists, bloody fists_   
_Questioning why I exist_   
_Pain persists, evil gifts_   
_Fucking up my life to shit_   
_I'm worthless, I'm worthless_   
_I'm worthless, slit my wrists until I bleed outI try to stay strong_   
_No matter what I do_   
_I'm always in the wrong_   
_It never gets easier_   
_But maybe that's the point_   
_It's part of growing up_   
_Messing up and learning from it_   
_That's just life, it's necessary Clinging to hope_   
_What else is there to live for?_   
_Got nowhere to go_   
_What else is pain good for?_   
_I am confident that your life has a purpose_   
_It's okay, you will get through it_   
_Don't give up 'cause someone needs you who am I supposed to be?_   
_When will I be complete?_   
_When will they be proud of me?_   
_It's getting harder to see Slit my wrists, bloody fists_   
_Questioning why I exist_   
_Pain persists, evil gifts_   
_Fucking up my life to shit_   
_I'm worthless, I'm worthless_   
_I'm worthless, slit my wrists until I bleed out please, don't give up_   
_I got to stay strong, I got to move on_   
_I got to know, oh when you feel alone_   
_Please, you got to know_   
_That someone needs you_   
_Please, don't give up_   
_I got to stay strong, I got to move on_   
_I got to know hope, when you feel low_   
_Please, you got to know_   
_That someone needs youSlit my wrists, bloody fists_   
_Questioning why I exist_   
_Pain persists, evil gifts_   
_Fucking up my life to shit_   
_I'm worthless, I'm worthless_   
_I'm worthless, slit my wrists until I bleed outI'm worthless, I'm worthless  
I'm worthless, slit my wrists until I bleed out_

By the end of the song my legs were littered with more cuts maybe 10 or 15 I don't know anymore. I've begun doing this more and more it started as a punch or a small paper cut getting that feeling of comfort. It stings a bit when I clean the cuts up under the water and grabs the bandages and starts bandaging with the occasional hiss through the process. As the logical trait, I should know optimal sleep and rest is extremely important. However, nothing I've done tonight is logical.

I grab the kit with gauze and bandages into the box and put it away in my secret hiding compartment with my razors and some glass that I've used before the razors. Sure I have a regular medical kit that is visible because of Romans idiotic adventures in the imagination defeating a dragon-witch. And the occasional kitchen fires Patton somehow manages to start so we now have a little fire extinguisher for those moments.

Patton is otherwise an amazing cook but I suspect Pranks have had something to do with the fires or Patton just put the wrong ingredients in the mix. I've gotten out of the bathroom on my way to my desk and continue to work as there is much I need to get done. Now you ask but don't you need sleep? yes, yes I do but this work needs to be done as soon as possible so a few hours of finishing this won't hurt.

 _"Nerd" "Idiot" "Robot" "calculator watch" "Erlenmeyer trash." t_ hese words go on repeat every night and every day when no one notices he's affected by the words I hear I always pretend to go for a more monotone voice and try to not think I have feelings or I don't deserve feelings because of my job. After working for 2,5h finishing the project we are working on.

I check the clock to see what time it Is I see It's later than I planned to work its currently 5 am, oh how Patton would scold him for being up at 5 am. "You should work some more whats the pint in sleeping if it's already 5 am? "" _Maybe i should I don't need sleep, its a waste of time" "_ You know if someone would find out about your addiction they'd laugh at how pathetic you are"

_"would they?"_

"Yes obviously no one likes the robot"

" _Do they really think so about me?_ "

"of course how about we go and find more places to cut "

at this, I'm crying again walking to my bathroom for maybe the 5th time in this day shaking as I try to reach the razor again and starts finding a place where I cut " _Nerd_ " " _Robot_ " on each legs sobbing and ugly crying for me to fake being emotionless soon as Patton begins to make breakfast. after a few more words carved into my legs and stomach I clean up once again. Then I start heading to my bed and hopefully get some sleep while the cuts are stinging under the bandages.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was Logan how are you holding up? Excuse my shitty writing, I barely was able to focus at this. 1172 words  
> should I stop with the word counting?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW self-hatred, self-harm self-deprecating thoughts, detail of self-harm mentioning of attempted suicide, attempted suicide needles suturing.
> 
> Song: Thank You For The Venom MCR 

**Nobody's Pov**

Janus was always the "villain" as Virgil was used to be but the others still see him as a bad guy but even if he hangs out with the light sides more often usually it's with Patton but he still felt unaccepted he also thought Patton hated him. He knows the others do to maybe not Logan He doesn't know what to do for him to be accepted. He also realized he's often away from Remus which isn't a good idea. He has a suspicion he has something he's hiding. But he still acts normal as Remus can be.

**Janus Pov**

" _Harvey Dense_ " " _Evil Snake Boy_ " _"Reptilian Rapscallion_ " " _Reptilian With Scallions_ " _Slimy Snake_ " " _Faugan Snake_ " Lovely words right Patton was a little bit funny but the rest is hurting me and of course most of them are from Roman. I do realize that I wasn't so nice in the latest episode but anger filled me and I didn't think about it. And Roman is still Thomases hero but he took it the wrong way and thought I was lying. My fucking name is Deception, of course, he would think im lying. **(He's still my Hero)**

Give me a reason to live I've tried to kill myself a few times it never worked unless I go to the forgotten pit and fetch a bottle of the water down below. That I actually have under my bed. tried pills hitting a vein but as a side, I can't die unless I fade or drink the water I got from the pit but scared to try and drink it.

Im currently in my room doing an activity that Isn't healthy at all bloody razors scattered over the floor blood running down my wrists carving in words " _Im useless_ " " _Ugly_ " " _stupid_ " but the most carved in the word evil and worthless because I am worthless I decide to play some music while continuing the words on my legs it feels comforting removes the numbness.

 _Sister, I'm not much a poet, but a criminal  
And you never had a chance  
Love it, or leave it, you can't understand  
A pretty face, but you do so carry on  
And on  
And on_ _I wouldn't front the scene if you paid me  
I'm just the way that the doctor made me, on  
And on  
And on  
And on  
Love is the red of the rose on your coffin door  
What's life like, bleeding on the floor  
The floor  
The floor_ _You'll never make me leave  
I wear this on my sleeve  
Give me a reason to believe_ _give me all your poison  
And give me all your pills  
And give me all your hopeless hearts  
And make me ill  
You're running after something  
That you'll never kill  
If this is what you want  
Then fire at will preach_ _all you want but who's gonna save me?  
I keep a gun on the book you gave me, hallelujah, lock and load  
Black is the kiss, the touch of the serpent sun  
It ain't the mark or the scar that makes you one,  
And one,  
And one,  
And one you'll_ _never make me leave  
I wear this on my sleeve  
Give me a reason to believe_ _give me all your poison  
And give me all your pills  
And give me all your hopeless hearts  
And make me ill  
You're running after something  
That you'll never kill  
If this is what you want  
Then fire at will you'll_ _never make me leave  
I wear this on my sleeve  
You want to follow something  
Give me a better cause to lead  
Just give me what I need  
Give me a reason to believe_ _so give me all your poison  
And give me all your pills  
And give me all your hopeless hearts  
And make me ill  
You're running after something  
That you'll never kill  
If this is what you want  
Then fire at will _ _So give me all your poison  
And give me all your pills  
And give me all your hopeless hearts  
And make me ill  
You're running after something  
That you'll never kill  
If this is what you want  
Then fire at will_

the whole floor is covered in blood " _fucking hell you idiot_ " "What's new you already knew that you idiot. Why don't you try the vain again?" " _I can try and hopefully it will work this time_ " I started making the razor to my wrist drawing a straight line down my wrist hitting the artery watching the blood spewing out of my wrist. Starting to get light headed and dizzy I slowly slid down the floor that probably looked like a murder scene, Passing out after a few seconds "Hopefully this is it" I say before everything goes black.

As I expected I woke up " _Why can't I just disappear? I don't deserve to live._ " " _Welp lets clean up this fucking mess_ " "Like you" I began to clean up my little murder scene and got out my first aid kit and started cleaning my arms rinsing the blood of under the water making it sting a bit before applying pressure to my cuts that were still bleeding because of the deep cuts I put.

As a main side, I can't really disappear Thomas wouldn't be able to tell simple white lies that he does more than he thinks he does if I disappear he will be truthful and maybe lose his friends because how honest he is. I check the cuts that I have cut deeper that looks like it needs stitches. " _This is going to hurt like hell_ " "You do realize you just cut yourself right?" I summon a suturing kit with a pair of gloves and start working.

I begin putting my gloves on after washing my hands thoroughly and grab a sterilizer to get all the bacteria away and get my forceps that I put down on a sterilized mat I get the needle and begin suturing. I pull the suture through so there is approximately 3cm **(Metric rules)** of length on the opposing side. 

I grab the suture in my non-dominant hand and the needle holder in my dominant hand. I begin to loop the suture away from me around the needle holder twice then grasp the suture end with the needle holder. and I repeat this until the wound is closed. " _Fucking hell that hurt more than I expected_ " "Such a pussy" I start to remove my gloves and throw them away then I bandaging it up cleaning the sutures and roll down my shirt over my arms and put on the gloves that I have with my outfit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's Janus story and we only have Patton left this is going to be fun now to start writing ideas for the other chapters. 1093 words  
> Also, my knowledge of suturing is because of Hospital shows and a few friends that are nurses
> 
> I have major writers block and running out of pre written chapters so the updates might be slower


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: description of purging, purging, mentioning of killing themself wow haven't had this little TW in a long time 
> 
> Song: Under Pressure

**Nobody's Pov**

Patton, though not in denial, simply hadn't realized anything was up at first. Hadn't realized anything was up with his eating, he was cooking for his family pretty often, making sure they were all eating, he'd probably eaten too, right? Sure, all he could remember was the two cookies he'd had what, 5, 12, 19, 28? hours ago, but he probably ate, right? Nothing was up, most likely. Yeah, he was starting to seem scrawny, but, that probably didn't mean anything. Right?

**Patton Pov**

I noticed something was up that time I found myself on my knees after a meal, having eaten more than I should have "normally", now kneeling in the bathroom with my fingers down My throat, tears in my eyes, and a realization. This wasn't normal to make yourself vomit, something was probably up. at this moment I caught on to my problem. 

And here I am for possible the 5th time tonight after eating more than I should in a vicious cycle of binging, starving and purging that ended with me over the toilet sticking my fingers deep into my throat because I ate during my fasting by grabbing a cookie from the cookie jar after that I went up to my room and summoned a feast for 20 people with cakes cookies garlic bread cinnamon buns etc. I eat everything in sight " _im such a fat ass can't go one day without fucking up_ " "how about we go through this like we usually do" " _Throwing it up_ " 

I began my way to the bathroom for the 6th time at 3 am in the morning knowing full well I would make breakfast at 6 am. I reach the bathroom turn on the shower and begin lifting the toilet lid kneeling over the toilet while sticking my fingers as deep as I can until I reach the gag reflex before expelling my stomach content chugging water in between to get it all out until the only thing I can taste is bile. I flush the toilet and turn off the shower going past the mirror watching the ugly blob I am 

I glanced up at the mirror and stood straight. My stomach stuck out, My arms were huge, My thighs were fat, god, I was so disgusting and ugly. All I wanted was to be skinny. I wanted to be able to feel My ribcage, to watch as my collarbones and jawline became prominent. I wasn’t worth anything if I wasn’t skinny and beautiful, and I was neither.

After purging I felt lighter, better. Emptier I already knew this will become addicting it really already is. If I wasn't careful but that's already happened. And to be honest I didn't want to be careful. This was dangerous, yes. It also was incredibly self-destructive. But I no longer cared about myself, and if this happened to kill myself along the way, then good. I didn’t want to live anymore anyway. If I couldn’t be skinny, then I'd rather be dead.

Being the embodiment of all of Thomases emotions helps to hide how you actually feel just make puns, annoy Logan " _He's kinda cute_ " "No, he wouldn't want to be around an emotional and fat morality" and act energetically no one notices and they'll never do until I either tell them and that ain't happening. I begin cleaning my room snapping my fingers to get rid of the sweets and food leaving no trace of his bad eating habits that came with purging everything I ate.

I went over to the sink in the bathroom grabbing my toothbrush and toothpaste and begin brushing my teeth while grabbing my phone and my earphones and press play on my playlist and the first song that comes up is Under Pressure by My Chemical Romance. Surprising right, no one knows I listen to them I like them started listening while Virgil was talking about it with me. 

  


  


_Pressure pushing down on me_   
_Pressing down on you no man ask for_   
_Under pressure... that burns a building down_   
_Splits a family in two_   
_Puts people on streets_   
_It's the terror of knowing_   
_What this world is about_

_Watching some good friends_   
_Screaming 'let me out'_   
_Pray tomorrow... gets me higher_   
_Pressure on people... people on streets_

_Chippin' around... kick my brains around the floor_   
_These are the days_   
_It never rains but it pours_   
_People on streets... people on streets_

_It's the terror of knowing_   
_What this world is about_   
_Watching some good friends_   
_Screaming 'let me out'_   
_Pray tomorrow... gets me higher_

_Pressure on people... people on streets_   
_Turned away from it all like a blind man_   
_Sat on a fence but it don't work_   
_Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn_   
_Why... why... why_   
_LOVE_

_Insanity laughs un der pressure we're cracking_   
_Can't we give ourselves one more chance_   
_Why can't we give love that one more chance_   
_Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love_

_'Cause love's such an old fashioned word_   
_And love dares you to care for_   
_The people on the edge of the night_   
_And love dares you to change our way of_

_Caring about ourselves_   
_This is our last dance_   
_This is our last dance_   
_This is ourselves_   
_Under pressure_

_Under pressure_   
_Pressure._

After the song is done I've gotten dressed for bed and make my way to the bed grabbing my teddys and a stitch one that Thomas got as a gift from a fander." _I'll do better tomorrow_ " "No, you won't they all think you're ugly and fat and is just being nice for not hurting your feelings." " _Im going to do better tomorrow_ " 

**Time skip because writer's block is a bitch**

I woke up by my alarm clock and need to go out of bed but I don't want to but I need to make breakfast for my kiddos. I start heading to my bathroom but before I get my regular outfit and begin turning on the shower and take a short but burning shower. Grabbing my toothbrush and toothpaste I begin brushing my teeth. Then I start heading downstairs and begin setting the table before they wake up. I Get the bread in a bread basket setting it on the table beginning to crack some eggs ham and cheese preparing the omelette mix.

At exactly 7 am Logan comes down and says "Salutations Patton" "Good morning" I say then he helps with the breakfast preparing the pancake mix while I begin making the pancakes preparing them how everyone wants them Logan wants plain pancakes sometimes with syrup **(Canadian is the best)** Roman Wants chocolate chip in his. Virgil wants plain with nothing on them. I don't want to eat them but I used to chocolate and syrup. 

"Im going to wake up the kiddos, keep track on the pancakes and eggs," I say to Logan "I'll do that Patton," he says, I go to roman first getting Virgil some more sleep I see he gets a few hours and isn't a morning person and scary if you wake him up. "Roman, breakfast is ready kiddo," I say "I'll be out in a minute," He says while I head to Virgil's room who seems to be awake and taking a shower "Breakfast is ready kiddo," I say a little louder so he can hear me. "I'll be out in a minute," He says and I start to go downstairs again. 

As im going to the kitchen I see Virgil coming out of his room and begin walking to the loaf of bread and grabbing some slices waiting til the eggs is more cooked before pressing them down on the toaster, Its also not a good idea to ask him questions in the morning he's grumpy kiddo. And as I said scary in the morning. After a few minutes, I see Roman coming to the table and placing himself on the chair he's sitting at every time we eat. 

Virgil and I start to set the food on the table and sit down "Good morning kiddos" I say getting an extravagant "Good morning Padre" From roman and grumbling from Virgil that was expected from my dark strange son. W begin eating Roman scarf downs his food as normal. Virgil is a bit quieter while he is staring at his food and taking it slow. "How was it Kiddos," I ask "Marvellous," says Roman Logan answers with a simple "Satisfactory" "Yeah," said Virgil after a while. After we ate we start to clean up the table and start the dishes then go on our day.

I go straight to my room locking the door before I go into the bathroom kneeling over the toilet and sticking my fingers down the throat reaching the gag reflex until everything comes out and do it over while chugging water in between for everything to come back up until its only bile. I flush the toilet and rinse my mouth with water waiting a while before brushing my teeth. After that, I go to bed and get some more sleep I need to catch up on. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> So this was longer than expected next is a day in their lives under the day 1582 words either I get 1000 or 1100 words but this is impressive Thank you for reading this It makes me so happy getting your positive comments
> 
> Stay safe.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentioning of purging self-harm, self-deprecating thoughts self hate body dysmorphia, pro-ED thoughts. I believe that's all 
> 
> I also have no plot yet so this will be slow
> 
> Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. Winston Churchill.

**Nobody's Pov**

The ones that go up at 6 am is Logan and Patton. Logan because he sleeps exactly 8h a day its at least what he tells the others, they don't need to know. Patton because he makes the breakfast for everyone in the mind palace while listening to some music in his earphones so no one can hear what he listens too. Then Roman wakes up at 8 or 9 am depending on the day.

Virgil will sleep as long as possible so he usually wakes up at 2 or 3 pm depending on if he slept or not. Janus gets up at 7 am to fix his breakfast and Remus breakfast, he isn't allowed in the kitchen since he set fire to the kitchen and tried to put a dead rat in the oven with the garlic bread. Remus wakes up sometime during the day nobody knows when exactly because he stays in his room playing with his bat that probably will give him rabies.

**Patton's Pov**

I wake up to my alarm clock at 6 am sharp and get up and start getting ready for the day before going down to make breakfast for the other sides. I had at least gotten a good few hours of sleep between my unhealthy habit that ill keeps as a secret and no one should know about. I go downstairs and begin making the pancake mix and grab the other ingredients as the chocolate chips that some of the sides want.

Logan comes down after I started cooking having a book in his face like he usually does someday he will fall down the stairs if he isn't careful enough but he seems to have control. "Good morning Logan," I say "Good morning Patton," he says while putting the book down and starts the coffee machine. "How did you sleep?" I ask "adequate, how was your sleep?" he says. "My sleep was also adequate," I say to impress him a little with my somewhat knowledge of big words.

I go up and go to the kid's rooms and wake them up I go to Pranks and Missy first knocking o their door and get them up for breakfast while those two is racing to the kitchen I go to Liam and Fiona's room and tell them breakfast is ready and get it before school starts. As I come down they're waiting patiently while logan is still nose deep in his book.

"what do you want in your pancakes?" I ask Missy and Pranks shout "Chocolate chips" while Liam and Fiona say in a half shout blueberries. "Coming right up," I say before working on the pancakes in the frying pan before I flip them a second time putting the blueberries and chocolate chips for the kids.

"Here you go," I say to the kids and begin making their school lunches before I get them ready for school. "When you're done go brush your teeth and grab your bags for school, we leave at 8:00," I say and they go upstairs. While I go and make the other kiddos breakfast Roman should be out soon Virgil isn't a morning person that you should let him wake up on own accord DO NOT WAKE HIM UP. If you want to live.

Roman tried one time and oh boy where there many cuss words and he may have gotten a black eye so no one dares to wake him up anymore unless it's me who does he can't hurt his pop-star. I begin the eggs and making more pancake batter today I feel like doing Swedish pancakes they look like creeps but is a little thicker and a fan favourite here. Roman is out of his room and getting the loaf to the toaster and setting the table. "let's begin, is anyone up for waking Virgil?" I ask "Do you remember last time I tried?" asks Roman. "He would most likely need some more sleep due to how he stays up to 3 am." Says Logan "Then let him sleep and wake him at lunch," I say.

**Logans pov**

I awake at approximately 7 am no earlier any later due to the bodies inner clock even if I stay up at 3 am doing things I know is illogical. While Im getting ready I hear Patton getting the younger kids up, there isn't just us 7 emotions there is also figments and other small emotions like fear, jealousy, happiness, anger, sadness, disgust, surprise. and a lot more that everyone feels.

the main trait lives in the mind palace and the smaller emotions live in a little village in the imagination where Roman has his castle he is a real prince or a king but he prefers prince. While they're in the village they have a small impact on Thomas. 

While im getting dressed I hiss a little while I put on my pants remembering last nights unhealthy habit I continue getting the rest of my clothes on smelling pancakes Patton made while im finishing tying my tie. Going down the stairs but not before grabbing The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Agatha Christie. reading it as I go downstairs I know what you're thinking isn't that dangerous yes, it is.

But I've calculated every step from every angle to the littles things that you don't think is necessary I ask logic never fails to get down to the kitchen with my precise calculation. "Good morning Patton," I say as I get to the kitchen table he answers with a good morning and asking how my sleep was "My sleep was adequate, how was your sleep?" I aks he says his sleep also was adequate.

I see Roman walking into the kitchen in the corner of my eye going back to reading while Patton and Roman talks about some stupid adventure where Roman had been fighting a dragon witch coming home injured and dramatic as always. I remember that day. He came home dramatically shouts sing-song "Guess whos injured" with a knife in his stomach and im ready with the medkit.

Roman, you're a moron "What do you mean by that?" he asks "Wait, did I say that out loud?" "Yes, yes you did" "Im sorry about that Roman," I say "I forgive you," he says. "let's begin, is anyone up for waking Virgil?" Patton asks and remembering the last time Roman tried everyone is a little afraid of waking him up. "Do you remember last time I tried?" asks Roman. 

"He punched you and yelled that you should get the fuck out of his room and you having a black eye for the rest of the week," I say "LANGUAGE" Patton yells. "Apologies Patton" "And yes it would not be satisfactory if we wake him up unless someone is up for getting a black eye," I say as we begin eating breakfast and Patton rushing the kids to school so they get there in time. 

"Im off to the imagination," roman says "An evil dragon witch is tormenting the village," he says while beginning to walk away "Don't do anything stupid, like last time," I say getting a huff in return. Meanwhile, I and Patton continues to eat breakfast 

**Time skip bc ya genderfluid got a job**

**Romans Pov**

As I come back from the imagination going straight to my room for a shower and change of clothes it was a particularly strong DW this time. I get to my shower and hear music coming from someone's room. 

_THE FUTURE IS BULLETPROOF_

_THE AFTERMATH IS SECONDARY_

_ITS TIME TO DO IT NOW AND DO IT LOUD KILLJOYS_

_MAKE SOME NOISE_

Ah, he's up now and no one risking a black eye unless he's in a bad mood sure he can be scared and anxious. Just don't piss him off I get into the shower and take a quick cold shower and change to a simple white t-shirt and a red jersey jacket with a pair of jeans. Throwing a glance at the mirror before I head to my bed and continue reading comments on the latest video. I know I was mean and put my insecurity on someone else.

" _Anyone else EXTREMELY worried about Roman?_ "

" _Is Roman OK?_ "

" _What will happen to Roman in the next episode_ " 

" _Roman is incredibly stupid he doesn't deserve to be Thomas´s hero_ " **(This hurts so much)**

Some concerned comments about me being okay and others that completely correct even Thomas thinks I'm stupid he even said Im stupid and my suggestion is stupid I don't deserve to be his hero. Maybe the snake face can be the new hero that isn't a stupid insecure fat ass prince I shouldn't even be allowed to call myself a prince. I continue to read the comments so I can be a better fake Prince so no one suspects Im a broken idiotic stupid Prince.

" _It's his fault that Janus snapped at him. Im sorry that Roman is a bitch I love the name_ "

" _I can't believe Roman being that stupid and making fun of someone's name_ "

" _He is so narcissistic and his ego and pride is too big he doesn't realize everything isn't about him cant someone teach the bastard a lesson on how to not be a narcissistic asshole._ "

Ha, yeah if you'd like to know its all fake and no one suspects a thing I'm glad I didn't get to say what my realization was at the end of DWIT It was then I knew I haven't been fine since maybe either the 12 days of Christmas episode and it hit a bit more since the Why do we get out of bed episode. 

No one cares if I'm insecure no "Prince" I hear a knock on my door and a "Lunch is ready if you want kiddo" from Patton "No im not hungry" I answer "Are you sure kiddo?" he asks "Yeah, I'm sure Patton" I say "Okay, kiddo Just come down when you Ill save the leftovers in the fridge for you" He says and I hear him walk away from my door. 

I feel done reading the comments that are true about me and put on Sharing a secret on youtube in my playlist with other eating disorder movies to help me become motivated to be the Prince I should be. I go to my bed and start the playlist and connect my headphones to Bluetooth mode and start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1783 word I got carried away next chapter its the dark sides turn and I know Virgil isn't a dark side any more stay safe out there peeps I totally don't like to call people peeps any not at all (sarcasm)
> 
> This is the last pre-written chapter I got so with the full time job updates will be extremely slow and still have no plot


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Remus, self-deprecating thoughts self-hatred pro-ED thoughts and action intrusive thoughts fatphobia mentioning of suicide attempt Remus being Remus purging me trying to break your hearts and shitty writing
> 
> I decided to do maybe the most popular ships but I might change it later and slow-burn as hell
> 
> Updated 25/2-21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a full-time job and now I don't I've been having a major depressive episode and my motivation went somewhere but it kind of back now but this is still a hobby so I don't really have an updating schedule I also use 24h clock

**Janus Pov**

I'm in the bathroom changing the bandages and applying some anti-septic cream on and around the cut down my arm so it doesn't get infected. I go out and begin heading to the kitchen preparing myself for what Remus might've placed there it's either himself, a dead animal or an animal from the imagination that could kill you in an instant " _here we go into the unknown_ "

I get to the kitchen checking every corner of the kitchen before making myself and Remus some coffee and toast with some ham and cheese. Making myself a cup of coffee before I do anything that has to deal with him. And at 7 am without coffee I'm not ready to deal with Remus and might bite him but that would also have counter effects on the kinky bastard.

I just turn around and would begin to go wake up Remus and I meet him hanging from the ceiling scaring the shit out of me and I make a weird high pitched scream "Remus get down from the ceiling, breakfast is ready" I say as I go back into the kitchen and place myself at the kitchen table "Snake face is that the scream you have in bed?" the rat-man says "Can I have deodorant on my toast?" he asks while trying to sneakily bring it up to the toast.

"No, you need real food, not chemicals that should normally ruin your body but you don't have an immune system. You and Virgil tried with raw chicken, drain cleaner, tide pods and fucking bleach as kids, why?" I ask "We got bored of trying to catapult me into an electric fence and you weren't there to stop us " he answers.

After breakfast, I go back to my room and feed my pet snake Karen shes a feisty snake but my favourite Karen. After shes fed I go to the dark sides common room with a book I grabbed on the way to the living room that also is a control room for us to see what Thomas is doing.

We all have decisions that are dedicated to the aspects we are for example I see the lies he tells his friends even if it's just a little white lie or a bigger lie I see them at the control panel for me as self-preservation I also try to make the stubborn man take care of himself and take time to breathe and take the time he needs to fully recharge and get to help his friends when they need him. 

I have no idea what Remus has on his panel but I believe it's a similar layout for all of us we can talk with the others but we've never done it before and I will not risk anything by using it now. Everyone is extremely on edge since the last episode. I go away from the living/control room and start heading back to my room before ill talk to Roman and apologize for my rude remark about what he is scared to become. I regret my comeback extremely much 

While I prepare the apology before sinking down to Romans room well known he owns a bunch of katanas that can easily just go through me "Would it be bad? No!" " _I might just go down and see or hope he stabs me with his katana_ " "What the hell am I thinking," I say out loud. I go to my desk and begin writing what I can say and possible outcomes where he might take all his weapons and impale me. Here we go.

**Remus Pov**

Its 3:00 like usual I'm in the kitchen eating everything we got in the freezer and out on the counter wondering why I can't just starve myself without being a fucking idiotic fat ass. I begin to eat some ice cream and some icebox cookies that I have on the kitchen counter. "Why can't I stop, I need to stop I-i J-just ca- can't" I have already binged half of the food from the fridge and freezer that I laid out on the counter "Why can't I do something right for once in my life?" I say to no one, Everything I do is wrong or bad I don't know how I fucking manage to do it, the intrusive thoughts aren't helping at all.

After the shitfest that is my fatass being idiotic, I begin to put everything I had brought out of the fridge and freezer before heading to the bathroom to do what I always do after a bad binge, hunch over the toilet and throw up my guts " _I wonder what that'll feel like, maybe it would be bloody and chunky_ " As I begin to hunch over the toilet and push my fingers as far as it can go to trigger the vomiting reflex before I throw my guts up for ten minutes before all I do is dry heave.

I get up and clean up before I decide I will hang from the ceiling and scaring the shit out of snakey I look at the clock it's currently 5:00 so he should come around at 7:00 so I got about 2 hours until I can scare him. now we wait for the perfect opportunity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this short chapter might write more later or just write pre-written and post the full story. Who knows thank you for reading this


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